Tiki Tantrum

Church smirch! I’ve hit jackpot, the money, euphoria! I thought that my craving for alcohol could never be satiated, but lo’ and behold I finally understand Conor’s obsession with Survivor! Oh, don’t misunderstand me, it really is a grotesque union to all that is lowly, earthy, and base. But now that I think about it, the whole eating random insects for nourishment thing is all very “John the Baptist”. I guess Conor, with his superior intellect, must have found a great deal of spiritual meaning in the show or he never would have watched it. For myself, I am just perusing all of Conor’s past interests for clues as to where he might have disappeared to. Good F*ing luck! How many seasons of Survivor have there been anyways, and how many islands is that? Nine or ten at least! Oh well.
Who am I kidding? By the time I got to the 5th season, I tried to hang myself on a tiki torch. Oh, I know. It sounds like I want attention. The truth is I miss those Thursday evenings when we used to put on our favourite Survivor bandanas and parade around the house naked just like the natives would have. *Sigh* If only Conor were here. We could scare Randy off with our maleness and drink beer to the sound of whining contestants talk about alliances and betrayal. Oh I know, Conor isn’t much for the whole naked thing, but survivor touched him in a way that nothing else could. I think that brought out the animal in him.

Bleary-eyededly yours,
Grunt

Goin' Down to O'town

My plea for divine intervention led my thinking to Outlook. Maybe Conor returned to LCBI! He’s always talked of going back to reform the school; turn it into the academic and spiritual beacon of Lutheranism. I searched the town: he wasn’t at the D & E, wasn’t doing cruise laps in his tracker. I stopped and talked to Sandy (ok, we mostly made out), he wasn’t having a piano lesson. I checked all the usual places on campus, including the well-known make-out spots Conor so often used to frequent (with whom, I’ll never tell): Molly’s Mops closet, the balcony in the chapel, behind the curtains on the stage in the gym, down by the river, between the lockers or in the basement of the education wing, the couches by Delwyn’s office, behind the pop machine by the weight room, by the cafeteria doors, the plow, the chapel stage, or in one of the many piano rooms. Piano playing wasn’t the only practicing done in those rooms. I checked his old dorm room, where many a naked exploit took place (don’t read anything into that, I’m always naked).

Outlook sure has become more liberal since we lived there. Here's a picture of me with the "The Gay Pride Capital of Canada" monument.
Well, although I couldn’t find Con, it is always fun to tour my old stomping grounds. We had a hell of a year in Outlook, with many times we can’t remember and many we want to forget.

Strolling down memory lane,
Grunt

Looking for Divine Intervention

After all my antics, I have a growing sense of disgust in regards to my lifestyle choices. I need to make a serious turnaround. I am becoming increasingly desperate in my search for Con, and am running out of places to turn. The other day some JWs came to my door. I chased them away, but it got me thinking about God. It makes a lot of sense – maybe Con leaving me is God punishing me for my sinful ways. My situation is not that different from Noah’s or Sodom and Gomorrah – the question is whether I will follow like the disciples or require a talking donkey to change my ways (Numbers 22).

Well, I said the required words, now I only need to wait for God’s deliverance. Hopefully He gets back to me soon, who knows how long I’ll hold out.

Gracefully yours,
Grunt

Ripped & Roaring to Recovery

After getting my ass whooped, I needed to recover, take some time to re-think my ways. So I got wasted. Like seriously, I was totally blasted. So, it’s like 3am, and I’m crapulously cockeyed, and starving. Where was Bo when I needed him? I stumbled towards home, my vision impaired due to being loaded. Suddenly, I saw a bright, yellowish light in front of me -- it was the heavenly glow of Family Pizza. And suddenly it hit me: Conor used to work here! Overwhelmed by the coincidence, I staggered through the doors and demanded to know Conor’s whereabouts. Before receiving an answer, that twelfth car bomb hit me, and I fell over onto a pile of pizza boxes, unconscious.
The Family Pizza staff were very understanding. They propped me up, and when I came-to, gave me free pizza, and let me hitch a ride home with the next delivery.

Sleeping off the swack,
Grunt

Monogamy is for loners

The tux totally worked. The first lady I approached was all over me, she couldn’t get enough of the Grunt-action. I sang her a bit of that song I was practicing, it totally helped. She was into it. Here’s a pic of me mackin’ it up with the babe.


Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this babe had a boyfriend who believed in monogamy (who is into that these days – see Ecclesiastes 4:12). So, I’m now in Royal University Hospital recovering. He really took it to me. You’d think, being a bear, I’d have a size, strength, and ferocity advantage; but really, I’m a lover not a fighter, as his girlfriend found out. At least I got this pic of him choking me, which I can use as evidence when I sue his ass.


Readily recovering,
Grunt

Tinklin' the Ivories

I remembered that Conor spent hours last year in these little, tiny rooms, practicing piano for his big recital. I thought, what the hell, I’ll check it out. I even got dolled up, tux ‘n all. I thought maybe the tux-aura would permeate and help draw Conor’s spirit to me; but alas, it did not. Since I was there anyway, I practiced some sweet love songs for the ladies. Here's a sample of the lyrics:

I just wanna do something special for all the ladies in the world (Ohhhh...)
I just wanna do something special for all the ladies in the world (Is that possible... Is that physically possible...)

Caribbean (Ladies)
Parisian (Ladies)
Bolivian (Ladies)
Namibian (Ladies)
Eastern Indochinian (Ladies)
Republic of Dominican (Ladies)
Amphibian (Ladies)
Presbyterian (Ladies)

Outta sight... (The amazing ladies!)
Late night... (The hard working ladies!)
Erudite... (The brainy ladies!)
Hermaphrodite! (The lady-men ladies!)

All of you hermaphrodite lady-men ladies
With your sexy lady bits
And your sexy man bits, too
Oh, even you must be into you!

All the ladies in the world
Wanna get next to you
Show you some gratitude
By making love to you! (It's the least we can do...)

If every soldier in the world
Put down his weapons
Picked up a woman
What a peaceful world this world would be!

Redheads not warheads!
Blondes not bombs!
We're talking 'bout,
Brunettes not fighter jets!

Ohh, it's got to be sweet 16's
Not M16's
When will the governments realize?
It's got to be funky sexy ladies!

I have a vision and all I can see
Is all of you with all of me
In a world of peace and harmony
Where every lady gets a piece of me

I've been to Paris, New York, and Amsterdam
And wham-bam, merci, danke, thank you ma'am
So don't care if you're ugly or you're skanky or small
I just wanna do a little something special for you,

All the ladies!
In the world...
You deserve it... Girl...

I think I’ll keep this tux on for a while, to see if I can pick up some babes.

Lookin for Lovin,
Grunt

lifeguard, or model?

First, I set off to the pool. As many of you know, Conor has been the head life-saver at camp; also, Conor often saved lives at the University. He’s really good: when he is life-guarding, no one has ever drowned. Not even any little kids whose parents neglect them in the pool. Con’s that good. Here are some of my favorite times when Conor was lifeguarding (these are only a selection of the pics I have of Conor with no shirt):

I checked the Uni pool where Conor often was saving people, but he was nowhere to be seen. I even hung around in the change room for a couple hours, until I was forcefully removed by security and asked not to come back. I didn’t mean to stare when they were changing, I don’t have eyelids! You’ve got to believe me.

As for the search, I’m doing ok. I still have more places to check, so I still have hope.

Holding strong,
Grunt